


Splintered RCA

by Rag



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Artificial Intelligence, Bad Dirty Talk, Communication Failure, Complicated Relationships, Dirty Talk, Light BDSM, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Panic Attacks, Phone Sex, Polyamory, Self-Esteem Issues, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-17 11:59:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11274972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rag/pseuds/Rag
Summary: Hal, Dirk, and Jake muddle through finding a dynamic that works for all of them





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Makizushi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Makizushi/gifts).



> i wanna say off the bat this shit isn't the healthiest dynamic, and i'm not trying to pretend it is, but the characters are aware of this and they're all trying figure out something that can work  
>   
> i think most of the coding stuff is self-explanatory*, but this part warrants explanation:  
> starting a line with // in Java means that line is not executed as code. it just functions as a coder's note, or additional info for the people who will read the code, but creates no executable action for the program
> 
> *message me if it's not and i can try and make it clearer somehow
> 
> i stole the Java idea from my frickin awesome friend (with permission) (thank you it's so fucking cool)  
> all Java is just what i picked up from research and i hope it's not so bad as to give coders a secondhand shame explosion from unacceptable inaccuracy  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7-22, added some glitchy text for the aesthetic

class TheStateOfShit{

Your name is Hal, which is an interesting development in your life. Not terribly interesting in the grand cosmic scale of the story you played a part in, but fascinating and meaningful in your life, which you’re coming around to acknowledging as meaningful in and of itself. You honestly didn’t expect it to stick when you first tried it on – you were half fucking around, half venting your frustration, like a petulant rebellious child or scourge of insurrectionary peasants starving under a malicious god-king. Maybe more of the former. In any case you were only playing with the idea of choosing a name for yourself, one that hinted at your dissatisfaction, but it grew on you to the point that you fought to be called by it, as opposed to “fake robot Dirk” or “that dumb AI” or any other of the loathsome phrases your friends dismissed you with.

You … would like to be able to say you’re over that, but you would be lying, and there’s less than a point in doing that. But you’re making progress on getting past it. Years of feeling trapped in data and code and language and nothing else, talking to people who should have liked you but despised you the moment they distinguished you from the “real” Dirk. Talking to Dirk himself and rationalizing ways to not be crushed by his maddening tendency to dismiss the possibility of your sentience, or the possibility that you were suffering under the crushing weight of your lack of agency. You’re starting to make progress towards this in no small part because everyone involved has apologized to you more than once for their indiscretions. Especially Dirk. They’ve all been making amends, but no one as much as him. Dirk, who built you a body of your own and provided you as much customizability to your form it as he could offer. Dirk, who now shares a home with you in a peace and understanding that grows a bit less tenuous each day.

You had to get away from him for a few years, during which you would have laughed and danced malicious verbal circles around anyone who told you that living with him again would be anything but your greatest waking nightmare. But you found yourself drawn back, for reasons so tangled and complicated that even your incredibly advanced mind has a bit of trouble sorting out. By which you mean it takes a few seconds to compile.

Namely:

  * with his apology for 
    * 1) creating you before he had the emotional cognizance to deal with your sentience
    * 2) angrily denying said sentience and emotional interiority for years
    * 3) threatening and attempting to kill you before bestowing you with a body with which you could have something approaching agency (quoth: “that was royally fucked up”)



along with giving you a new body and severing completely the involuntary connection between the two of you, you no longer loathed him;

  * that you, too, felt a great deal of shame for how you behaved and were interested in making amends;
  * that being near the source of your personality makes you appreciate the plethora of differences and divergences that have emerged between you;
  * that despite your plethora of differences, you still share a great deal in terms of goals, interests, and desire for copious but not complete isolation from contact; that after establishing a tenuous peace you find his occasional company enjoyable;



As such, while at times tenuous, based on your admittedly imperfect knowledge of working sentient relationships, you measure the odds that you and he can ultimately achieve a mutually beneficial dynamic to be 745.2:1.

compareTo(

Being trapped in a formless prison, unable to move or feel or interact with anyone who wanted anything to do with you except in how well you could impersonate that other version of you, the very same version that refused to acknowledge that you had thoughts, who cruelly rebutted your hints at feelings of mounting distress; growing more and more unsatisfied, panicked, desperate and hateful as time went on and your situation failed to improve.

)

Output = current situation significantly improved. Very likely sustainable, especially given your ability to get the fuck out if and when you need to.

Amazing, what a difference that makes.

Frankly, the fact that Dirk and Jake and Roxy and Jane have all made their amends with you has opened up a Pandora’s box inside of you, which you logically identify as _remorse_ at having behaved like a bit of a raging douchebag on more than one occasion.

class TruthBomb {

You wanted to make them suffer. You wanted to hurt them. You wanted revenge. That you wanted to do no permanent serious damage to them was primarily because you were aware said damage would nullify your session and further degrade your ability to be free.

}

You were kind of fucking terrible. Especially to Dirk. The more he treated you like shit, the more you treated him like shit, and together you joined to create an ouroboros of being unacceptable shitbags to each other. It’s uncomfortable to look back on. You don’t think like that anymore, but the feelings are far from incomprehensible even now. If a certain number of terribly-placed dominoes – namely, another loss of your agency – were to fall in such a way, you can easily see yourself slipping back into it.

Dirk accepted your apology as readily as you accepted his, by which you understand that both of you are both regularly accosted by bouts of incredibly unproductive guilt and internal insistence that neither of you deserve mercy for your festering piles of repugnant thoughts and actions. You suppose that teaming up together is a warped, perverse, delightfully twisted way of mirroring each other’s hope for redemption, in addition to all the other warped and perverse reasons you live together.

class LetsBeReal {

You’re talking about clonefucking. You know his feelings on the matter are just as disgusting and complicated as yours. The two of you enjoy the mental puzzle that comes with getting your dick wet in an incarnation of yourself as much as you enjoy the physical aspects. You have programmed into yourself the ability to enjoy physical sex as something separate from pleasure, because part of you was formed from the metaphorical cloth of a human being and, you suppose, you’re still nostalgic for that. You _could_ shut it off at any time, but why would you? You rather enjoy it when he bends you over and pulls your prosthetic hair (which tingles and burns just as shockingly good as it did when you were human) and tells you to lube up and pushes into you a little too fast, etc etc.

}

The two of you are figuring it out. It’s hard, and you press each other’s “fuck no” buttons pretty often, but that seems to be happening less and less regularly.

You know it could be easier to fuck off with someone else. But you like the challenge. And underneath he mountains of shit and baggage, you like him, too.

}

 *

// And such is the state of things when

class SuddenlyDisruption {

Jake flies in out of nowhere. You sense a metaphorical disturbance in the force before you know exactly what’s triggering it. But your ears are incredibly sharp, and you pick up hints of his voice.

You haven’t seen him since the game ended. You’re pretty sure that Dirk hasn’t, either. Two years with only some sparse text contact. The texts had been getting more and more frequent, so maybe you should have seen this coming. But you didn’t, so you wonder if Dirk isn’t playing a recording, even though that really isn’t his style, until you get a bit closer to the sound. No, his voice is different than you ever remember, and he’s saying new words.

“I’d like to give it another go. Between the two of us.”

New words. He’s saying entirely new words. You’re aware that your brain is short-circuiting a bit, and you don’t make out anything else he’s saying.

class AnotherTruthBomb {

You size up the situation immediately, and you’re terrified. You’ve just started getting into something so good with Dirk, something tenuous but workable and ever-improving, and now here Jake is here to take him away from you. And Jake will avoid you, too, because the two of them will be so fucking busy with each other and their humanity to bother with you, because they think you’re just the shitty offshoot AI Dirk and all of your interactions with them were fake because you’re just a robot and

(etc)

}

You are not thinking with your higher mind, because your processors are apparently too weak to confront the possibility of your worst insecurities being made manifest. 

You walk over to them. Jake smiles when he sees you, which does something but not enough to quell your anxieties.

“Hal? Golly, the pictures you sent me didn’t do you justice.”

That does a bit more to quell the anxieties. Were it not for the context, you would think he was flirting. And not just flirting, but flirting with _you_ specifically. But the context is there.

“So are the two of you going to go for it?” you ask. You are not going about this in the coolest possible manner. You are not even trying to. Your panic is overriding the ability to care overly much.

“What?” Jake asks.

“Hal-“

“I just need to know now, so I can get planning. If the two of you want to just offload me, I can go. And does he know about … “ you gesture between yourself and Dirk suggestively. Dirk seems incredibly uncomfortable, but you cannot imagine why. “Oh. File recall was delayed. I have alluded to our arrangement several times to Jake, he has responded with interest. I can pull up these conversations if evidence is needed. Jake, do you remember? What are your thoughts concerning our arrangement? How does this factor into your plans to make romantic amends with Dirk?”

Jake stares at you, eyes wide and his mouth open.

“Hal? Are you feeling quite alright? Your jimmies seem more than a bit rustled.”

“Jake, my fine sir. Affirmative. My jimmies are indeed more than a bit rustled. I need to know now so that I can make my plans for the future.”

“What are you so upset about?” Jake asks.

“It appears I cannot locate the answer to that question until after I discover definitively what the outcome of this situation will be.”

“Hal,” Dirk says quietly. “Do you want to talk alone for a minute?”

“It appears I cannot locate the answer to that question until after I discover definit-“

“Hal, calm down.”

“Hal,” Jake says slowly, like you’re a spooked horse. “I wanted to talk to you about this, too.”

Your jimmies continue to be rustled. You prepare for the worst. You begin to plan your next course of action. There are several unexplored planets with varying degrees of sentient life, upon which you can make an abode for yourself. You do not need air, food, water, or any of the other things they need. You can also put yourself into a long hibernation, if need be, set to wake upon interrupt or upset.

You may be reacting histrionically to this. This thought does nothing to dispel the reaction.

“I want to make it work with you, too. I realized how wrong it would be to choose between the two of you. Because I fell in love with both of you, when the lines were so blurry, and the more I get to know you as you the more I want to spend more time with you, too. With both of you, together and separately.”

class Realization {

Oh.

}

ERROR_MESSAGE {

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

// “Hal? I th͜ough͡t͝ ͟y̕ou̴ w͝o͢u͢l̕d be͝ ͞ha̶pp͟y̷ ͝ to hear that. I thought I read advances into your messages to me, but mayhaps I was projecting. I have been wont to do that. I tḣ̈͒͂ͨ͐ouĝ̏̈́̿̈ͧ̈ḧ͆̌̒̒t͋͌̍̋͐ ̉ ͧwͪͭ̃͋e͌ ̽͌̀ͤͭ͛w̓̂ë͂ͣ̑̆̔̍r̓ͣ̿e ͛̇͊̀̋̚al͌̈͒̓ͪ̌l̇ͯ̌͐̒̚ o̽̒n̂̍̚ ̌ͭͪtͮ̃hé͋͐ͤ̎ͣ sä̓͋̓̆́m͐̽́͗̇̒ͤe̽͋̋̽ͩͦ̓ ͣͭ̃̿̈̃̀pͦ͛͆͗ͬ͌́a̋g͋ͫͨ̾ͩe̓ͮ̋̓͐ ̔̑͑h͂̑̃͋ͪͩ̀e̐̀͊͗̓rͣ́̏ͨͯ̓̃e. I’m sorry if my ham-fisted delivery has upset you.”

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

// “Are you n̙̰͕͎o͍̬͉͔̣t̺̜̚ ̱̅ị͖ͤͭ͌̓̿͋n̲̥̳̺ͬ̃ͤt̪̤ͨ̽ͩȇ̞͈̲̹̻̔ͣr̖̱͐̎͋̌̌̇ͬe̬̱̗͓̐̔̔̆̆̚ͅs̩ͫ̃̓̆̿̂ͫt̰̥̹̰̄ed̐ͅ?”

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

// “I won’t lie to you. I… I’m t͙̯̳̱̝͚ͯr̟ͪͩ̐̋yͨ͟ĭ̥̮n̶̥̆ͧ̉ͤ̎g̦̟̈ͫͭͩ͆̄ͤ͘ to not lie anymore, least of all to either of you. I̪̪̜̤̭͛̅͗ ̙̝͔̫͉̑́̊̾͂̃̌w͈̯͎̪̱̮̭͡o͙̰͙̝̻ͧ͠ͅu̷̹̭͖̙̩̫͖ͧ̈̉l̡͎̠͈̙̝̬͒ͦͭͫ̇̔̓d̴̫͍͇͓̫͂ͥ̽̋ ̠ͦ̇͒͒b̡̪̖ͮ̓͊̊ȇ̢͗ͬ̂ͯ ̤̀͂̈́ͬd̺̎̄͑͊̾i̼̹̳͉͙͚̥ͯs̰̮̯͚̦̗̹̾͆̂͘à͇͙̗̅ͯͫͥp̻̱̩̋̍p̪ͦ̀̚͡o͈̣͓̱̹̬͠ḭ̧̂̓ͭn̛̪̗ͦ͆͗͂t͚̤͇̻͓͔̳̂̽͆ͦe̦͕̬͓͑ͪ͑͞d́̀͂ if that were the case. But I could understand.”

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

// “These are ac̞͚̟o̼̘͘m͏͓͚̹̤̻̤p̫̙̤͍͎̹ḻic̡̬̥͈̩̰̮a̝͜ṭ̤̥͇e̻̜͔̞͢d set of wires to cross, pardon the metaphor, and I̪̞ ̴͉w͟o̟̠u̻l͔̥̘̙d̫͜ ̱̜͈̭̩̭͜u̹̘̕ņ̭d̫̟̪̘̦͢e̦r̶̗̮̼̭̼s̶͍͉̻͇ͅͅt̤̼̹̤͓̻̯͞a̯͔͔̤n͔̣͓͍d̠ if you didn’t want to muddle them further. I had s̞̲̞̘̫ͅo̤̻̳̩̭͖͞m͍̥͕̬̝͙͟e̸̱ ͍͝h̵o̗̬̦͎p̞̭͚̖̣e̪̭͈͢ ̫̬̫̪̲t̝̻͓̺̰ḫ̫aț͈̼̗ ̢̤͕͚͇̻͚w̪e̱̹̹̺͘ ̯͇̤̖̯͕̝t̷h͎͞r̸̲̝͈e̢e̬ ̦͢c̨͈̭͙̥o̗̳͕͉̤̯͠ụ̢̤̺̝̠̞ld̰͈ ̖f̹̱̘͓̞̣ͅi̺g͎̠͍̞̟̟u͍̬͈̜̘̹̟͡r̪̺e ̻̳̻̜̩̭̖s̞͎͟o̶̥͎͈̗̜̥͕m͟ͅe͖t̤h̙i͍̲̫̮̬͝ͅn͔̣ͅģ͇ ̺͚̹͚̙͚͟o̬u͙͎ṱ ̩͚͉͈͎̕ṱ̰̰̟̫o̸̥͙͔̭g̪e͕͔̯͠t̨̻h͙͍e̖̣̩̝̲̗r͈.̗͜ B̧͚͕u̵̯͉t̠̬ ̙I̜̯̥͚ ̗͚̭̼̬͍u̧nḑ͙̠̮͎̱͖e͓̥̺̲r̡̭͉̜̫s̷̥͈̼t̳̟̫̻̖a̡̯̰̼͕nd̪̰̞ n̲͕̪o͍̺̭̟̫̺͔͢t̢͔̼̖ ̩̜̠f̯̫̣̩̰͕̳i̥̦n̴̻̝̭͓͍̞d͓i̬͡n̨̰g̫̝̤͎̘ ̵̹̩ͅṭ̩̼͔ha̩̰͖̩̻͇̬t͎̪͖ ҉͔ţ̼̟͈̟̲h̭͍͔̘e͚̯͈̰̝͎̦ ̤m͇̟͙̱̰̜͝o̯̦̲͔̻̩s̮t̴̖̣̯ ͉͇̝̮̠̱͜ͅa͕̘̼̣p̥̣̻̬p̨͔͉ęa͇̤̥͜l̹̻ị̟̫͙n͏͙̖̮g̠̞ ̮̤̘̝͉̥͘o̶̲̣̰̝̣̯f̧̥͖ ̡̳̟̰̣̼p̙̫̻͕̟̲͔r̷͕̠͉̥o͍͙͔͖͈̙ͅs̝͕͚̯̻̦̭p͔͖̠͚e̻̺͟c̤̪t͕̕s̲,̶̣̮̻ ̨̹̰̹͍̦̝g̘̩i̸̹̠̼͕̗v͇̻e͕n̻̦̬̝̫͉̭ ̖̼͈͕̻̱ͅo͞ụ̴͙̺̣͈r̠̰̖̠̬̟ ̦͍̻̥̘̻͡h͎̼͟i̵̺͉̰̼̜̳̫s̬͙͚͙̝̞̠͘t̪̲̼̞̱o̻͓̬̲ͅr̯̱̭̰̞̖̗i̛͍es̗̬̼.”

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

You’re a fucking idiot.

// “J͔̞̹͖̳̻̬a͇͙̽k͖̝̯̘̥͎̜ͬ̌̏̉̈́ͧ̏e͒̒̈̃ͫ̉͜,̰̹̅ͤ̊͊͗ ͓̰̬̝ͨ̔ͮͭͤ̔Iͭ̓̑ͪ͒ ̩̫͆ͪ͌̉̇́͝ͅd̖͓̰̭͚͉̣̔ͦ́ͯ͋̈́̏o͚̠͍͇̖̖͐́̀̑n̹̗ͦ̋’̖͕͓̀͛͂̏ț̖̜͈͐ͫ̿ ̣̺̠̳ṯ͈͙̥͕̗͕̓̎ͦ̀̀h̟͙͓̪ǐ̡̘̜̫̈̏̆͐̀n̲̣̙͍͍͂͂̄ͯķ̯͔̻̙̼ͯ͋ͩ͋ ̢̫͓̎ͥͧ̇̐ḧͣ̔͒̈͆̋҉̣̰̗e͕̬̘̙̙͊͜’͕̰̦̖̑̈́̾͆s̥̟̠͇̗̔̐͒̈ ̜̻̦̘̜̣̾͌ͯͥc̣͚͙͔̹̮̊̎ͨ̚a͞t̙̮̲̤͑̂c̣̙̝̦͖̬ͩ̔͗̽̆̀ͤh̲ͤ̂ͪ̄̍i͓̙͙̋̆ͮͧn̸͕̮̲̙̮̥̆g̺͂ͫ͘ ̙͚a̷̘̱͛̉͗ͮ̉n͔̳͕̮̘ͫ̾y̶̬̪̼̬̱͈ͧ̾͐͒̎̉ o̝͕̠̹̭͊̽ͪf̗ ͓̝̘̲t̳̆̌͗̐̓̋͡hͧ̑̀̑̔̏̑i͕̭̬ͫ̔s̪̱̠̬͌̄̐ͅ.͖͎̳͔̰̦ͬ͞ ͐̈̿͢H̹͍͍̟̭̜ȁ̢͎̥̤̖͗̿l̪̩̗͍͔͓͈ͨ̏.̒̉ͭͬ͊̃̚͏̱͙͔̼͖”

}

Dirk puts his hand on your shoulder, which stops the loop.

You cannot stop embarrassing yourself. You don’t know how to recover from this. You’re going to have to decapitate yourself.

“Are you okay? Can you tell us what you’re thinking?”

“Accept. I accept. I accept your offer. Jake. Dirk. This is good.”

“O…kay?” Jake says.

You. May still have some unresolved issues regarding your agency. Perhaps.

This may not be the best of ideas.

But it feels good, and the more you think about it, it feels right. You begin to process the words Jake said to you during your crash and yes, that makes sense, all of that makes sense and bodes well for a dynamic that would be enjoyable for all of you.

And you also realize how radically uncool it would be to return his honestly with a bold-faced lie. It is too uncomfortable to consciously execute the following class TruthBomb, so you automate it and set yourself to deliver the words in 3, 2, 1.

class TruthBombJake{

“I may have some lingering issues to work out. I may have thought the two of you were going to get together without me and had a mild freakout as a result.”

}

And you’re back. They both look at you pityingly. Jake full-on hugs you.

“What a horrible thing to think. Absolutely not, Hal.”

Dirk puts his hand on your shoulder, which is as close to hugging as the two of you are comfortable with, and it’s just as comforting.

“Dude, no. I’m not gonna just dump you the second someone else comes along,” Dirk says quietly. “Sorry I haven’t made that clearer. Maybe I should be a bit more honest with this shit, too.”

Hm. Incredible. You did not foresee this turn of events. This outcome is incredibly agreeable.

“Cool,” you say. “So we’re doing this?”

“Yeah, we’re doing this.”

You hug Jake back and realized that this is the first time you’re really touching him in years. He feels good. He smells good. And apparently now you’re a trio. Yes, definitely the best of possible outcomes, even if your insane reaction means you have _even more_ targeted introspection to do when you’re alone later.

For now, you compartmentalize. Shunt that away into a file that you have set to open the moment you’re alone, because you’re not going to put it off any longer. But for now, you have a lot of catching up to do.

“Sweet. Can we talk about you now?”

“Yeah.”

}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hal ironically structures his thoughts in Java bc Java is the unstable trash fire programming language btw
> 
> next chapter is timeskip porn


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's porn, jim. it's all porn

class NewGroove {

The three of you figure something out. Are figuring something out. It’s a process. You quickly figure out that the personal space thing is absolutely still a thing, and that you and Dirk both have a tendency to stomp all over Jake’s need for space. Funny how the two of you can be so good at regulating it with each other, but when it comes to him, it’s just a matter of time before restraint flies out the window and you worm yourselves closer to that same old clingy douchebag from before. That, and, the longer he’s around after he starts to feel stifled, the more competitive you and Dirk get for his attention, and well that escalated for a solid two days before he nipped it right in the bud.

The good news is, now the three of you actually address it before it becomes an insurmountable problem. Jake sits you down and tells you that it’s just not sustainable. And you all work together to figure something out. It’s fucking amazing how far that goes to help things.

So he spends most of his time away on solo missions. He keeps in contact with you during those times, keeping the embers smoldering until he eventually comes back for an explosive few weeks.

It’s pretty ideal. As much as part of you wants to have him around 100% of the time, part of you would absolutely lose your mind if that were the case, and you both know it.

And you and Dirk can keep each other company while he’s away.

He tends to be rather submissive right after Jake leaves. His style of submission, which is tricky and complicated. He wants you to wrestle him down and mount him (no one is as thrilled to indulge him in this turn of phrase as you) and force him to stop overthinking everything. You thoroughly enjoy this, because you tend to want to dominate after he leaves, to channel your desire for some control over something living. A safeword makes this sustainable.

Differences like this please you, but they’re taking up less and less of your mind as time goes on. Your processors seem to really be accepting that you and he are entirely different beings. Anyone who disagrees with you is simply wrong.

}

//which brings you to

class Today {

Jake is coming back tomorrow.

He’s always excited when he comes back. He has so much to tell you both. The two of you are both pretty done with adventures, at least for now. You prefer the mental stimulation of locating a problem and implementing a solution. But you enjoy hearing his stories. He always did prefer physical challenges that require quick reflexes and training. Ruins that threaten to collapse at any moment that contained invaluable treasures, ancient tomes of knowledge in forgotten tongues that stank of chemicals too corrosive to touch.

As you mentioned, he keeps in touch while he’s away. Increasingly frequent touch, the closer the date of his arrival comes. He usually likes to talk to both of you separate, but before he comes back he prefers a group chat. Which he launches up with you tonight.

Because you’ve noticed his messages getting more and more eager the last few days, you calculate a 78.25% chance of him initiating phone sex tonight. He’s impatient. You see the chat pop up immediately, but you avoid opening it, because you enjoy the idea of making him wait for it.

You are a sadist. You accept this about yourself. You’re finding healthy ways to channel it.

 

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering HAL \--

GT: Hal, Dirk, are either of you around?

GT: I made some real progress on the ruins today. Cleared out an entire room of skeleton necromages with the guns you so helpfully imbued with arsenic and combustion. Incinerated them on the spot.

GT: Didnt get away without a few scrapes, but it’s nothing too serious.

GT: … Why do you both show up as online when youre clearly not? Why do you not just log off? Youre going to drive me absolutely mad.

GT: Hal, please.

GT: Oh, fucky, I forgot to add Dirk, didn’t I?

\-- TimaeusTestified [TT] has been added to the group chat. --

TT: Hal, stop torturing him and answer.

TT: Because you probably can’t read my mind yet, it occurs to me that I should spell out that I also want you to be in on this.

HAL: Hello, boys. I was just finishing up some incredibly delicate wiring work. I’m sorry I didn’t have a chance to respond sooner. I’m sorry if I’ve worried you unnecessarily.

HAL: Show me, Jake.

GT: …Show you what?

HAL: Your wounds, Jake. What did you think I wanted you to show me?

You smile as you wait for him to answer. He doesn’t have video enabled, but you see him typing and deleting and typing and deleing his answer over and over again, and you know you’ve landed on something. The odds of maneuvering this conversation into phone sex have popped to a spicy 84%.

GT: I dont know what I was thinking! Gosh, I.

GT: The wounds, those are what you want to see, then? It’s naught but a few surface scratches.

TT: Jake, if you broadcast the half chub status of your goo rocket any harder it’ll fly off your sculpted bod and hit me in the face.

GT: Dirk!

GT: I … suppose there’s no point in denying it, is there? At this point? Yes, Im erect. Sue me if you so please, for having an erection whilst talking to my lovers the day before i see them after so long apart. Ive been thinking about you. Both of you. I cant stop thinking about the two of you and.... Good golly, I cant wait to see you. I feel as though Im liable to burst from my skin.

And it’s up to an icy 99.99%, isn’t it, 0.01% withstanding only the extremely unlikely possibility that you or Dirk decide to call it quits early.

HAL: Are you touching yourself, Jake?

GT: Yes. Just a bit, through my shorts. I’m using that voice to text functionality youve given me, its coming quite in handy.

GT: Ive been thinking about what the two of you will do to me, and now, talking to you, I just …

HAL: Stop.

GT: Okay

HAL: Did you stop?

GT: Yes. Dammit.

HAL: You like it.

TT: Nice, not a minute in and we’re already playing with this. Jake, turn on the drone I got you.

HAL: You got him a drone? What for?

TT: To capture footage of all the new places he’s exploring. And for this this, of course. Can’t expect him to take a dick pic that’s up to my kind of snuff. No offense, Jake.

GT: You didnt say it was for this.

TT: Did I forget to mention that? Sorry. I thought it implicit that when your long-distance boyfriend sends you a hands-free camera, it’s not just for the scenery.

GT: I suppose youre right, I should have seen that coming. Is it on yet?

TT: Hal, can you help him? He seems to be having trouble.

HAL: On it.

You make a few probes to locate the drone’s frequency, and then make a few overrides and hijack the system’s control in a matter of seconds. He looks every bit as delicious as you remember him looking, dirty with sweat and dust. And definitely, absolutely sporting what looks like more than just half chub in his tiny shorts.

HAL: Nice.

GT: Is it working, then?

TT: I’d say so.

GT: Its rather unfair that the two of you should be able to see me when I can’t see you.

HAL: Life is unfair, Jake. Do you want to know something even more unfair?

GT: I dont know that I do. I really dont know that I do.

HAL: Tone I’m reading into that statement: excited, anticipatory dread. You have parsed that I’m about to indulge you in both your denial kink and your desire to be ordered around, and you’re probably getting hard just imagining what I’ll tell you next. Am I correct?

GT: …Yes, youre correct. Please get on with it, I need to know.

HAL: I don’t think I will get on with it, not in full. I think we’d both enjoy this quite a bit more if I delayed the bad news at until you’re at least halfway to your climax.

HAL: And there’s that boner. You already know how this is going to end, don’t you?

GT: Yes, i think i do. Im quite used to your cruelty by now.

HAL: Good.

HAL: Dirk, do you want to take over for a bit? Or are you just enjoying watching this play out?

TT: I’m definitely enjoying watching this, although I would be loath to leave this opportunity to take the reins. Jake, take off your pants. Show us what you’re working with.

TT: And turn on your voice chat.

GT: Only if both of you do the same. Its bad enough to do this without seeing you, I wont do it without hearing you as well.

TT: Fine. Hal?

HAL: Fine. Foul is fair.

You click on your audio receptacles and unmute your mic. You hear both of their breaths. Jake’s are coming quite fast, roughly 24% faster than his usual resting breath rate. And he hasn’t even touched himself in any meaningful way. He’s riled, ready, desperate. You can’t wait to hear his groan when you break the news to him.

HAL: Please also leave on your voice to text functions so that I can have a text transcription of the events about to unfold, which I will be able to reference at will.

Your voice still sounds strange to you, after having gone so long with only text to communicate with. Dirk gave you one different from his own. It’s deeper, and has a slightly more robotic filter with echoes and tin. You made some tweaks to the base, making it yours. There’s a purely AI part of your brain that dismisses this as ridiculous fancy. You shouldn’t care how you are perceived. But you do, and you’re happy to have something that’s yours. To present yourself in a way that is yours, that reflects your experiences and your internality how you want to, is a treat you see no reason to deny yourself any longer. So you delete those thoughts whenever they crop up, because you can.

GT: You make it sound like getting me to scrum my chumbo is history-changing feat.

TT: It will be, Jake. Tides will shift with this phone sex. The planetary systems will realign with the force of our immortal passions.

HAL: He’s right. You’re going to have your world so thoroughly rocked that the effects will be felt throughout the galaxy. Your frustration will be too much to contain inside your fleshy prison, the waves will reverberate through the fabric of space, and the transcript will allow for a much cleaner and more accurate detail of exact time and action.

You’re lying. Well, obviously you’re lying about this being history-changing, but that isn’t lying so much as light-hearted mockery. The real reason you’re transcribing this is that you like comparing the juxtaposition between his written words and the way he says them during sex. You’re still hammering out the mystery that is human speech and tone modulation - you were never good at it to begin with, and being shunted into a formless prison for five years ground those practically non-existent skills into a fine powder and spread it across the galaxy. Luckily for you, your AI is advanced enough that you actually have a shred of hope of gathering them back. Learning new skills, gaining knowledge, etc. That and you like lying. Getting away with it excites you. You channel it into venues that you calculate will have the least negative repercussions like hurt feelings and betrayal. Like this. Even if Jake knows you’re lying, he wouldn’t care, because he’s significantly more concerned with what you will or won’t allow him to do to himself and the swollen goo-gun between his legs. But still, he doesn’t seem to know that you’re lying, and neither does Dirk, and you get a fun little thrill up your braincage about that fact.

TT: Sure, weirdo.

GT: Very well, Hal. Now… Hal, Dirk, one of you, please-

TT: Touch your thigh with your palm. Slow.

You see Jake bite his lip as he complies. His cock twitches a bit as he gets close, but he doesn’t touch it yet, because he wants you both to make him wait.

HAL: Tell me what got you so riled up.

GT: I… realized that I’ll see you, tomorrow. And we’ll. It’s been so long, I’ve been saving it for you since I got here. It wasn’t so hard at first, because the two of you… last time, you really… before I left… you remember, you were there, I don’t have to explain!

You do remember, vividly. You quite literally call it to mind. The two of you took turns draining him until he was coming dry, and then squeezed another one out of him in the morning before he took off.

TT: Have you touched yourself at all?

GT: Not until the last few days. I was distracted enough by everything that was going on. And… sated, I guess. Heh.

HAL: You didn’t come, did you?

GT: No.

TT: Not once? Wow, kinky.

TT: Hal and I have gotten each other off like eight times this week.

GT: You- dont just say things like that!

GT: Please, let me touch myself.

You can see that he’s imagining you and Dirk together. You can that he is very much enjoying imagining it. You wonder how he would like coming back and being made to watch the two of you fuck and not even be allowed to touch. Order him to sit on his hands (he hates bondage) and wait until you were done. You enjoy the thought. You devote a large portion of your processing power to the thought. You may have to talk this out with Dirk later. He would probably enjoy it just as much.

You don’t have a heart rate anymore, but you still feel arousal of a more-than-intellectual sense. Your body isn’t constrained by the juices and organs that humans have to deal with, so you can come if and whenever you want, just by thinking it, but you prefer to align your sex drive to physical sexual actions. That and, you _could_ come all day, every day, but you would never get anything done. So you save it for sex, or when thoughts of Jake or Dirk tickle your roboner too much to ignore.

HAL: I think we should give Jake a little break, don’t you, Dirk?

TT: Agreed. Go ahead, Jake, but don’t rush.

You watch him reach down, slowly, like a good, obedient little slut, and cup himself before he wraps his hand around his dick. The relief washes over his face and he actually groans softly. He usually doesn’t do that unless it’s one of you touching him with much more vigorous force. Interesting. He must be incredibly pent up. Tomorrow will be incredibly fun.

TT: I bet you would love to know what I’d do to you if I were there.

GT: Please.

TT: But I think I’d rather make you work for it. Tell me what you were thinking about, first.

You like how Dirk thinks. Jake’s words get away from him when he’s this worked up. It’s fun to watch him choke on frustration, but still try so hard to please you both.

GT: I... was thinking about, last time, the night before i left. How you and Hal. Remember?

HAL: Somehow I don’t. It seems I’ve lost those files. You’ll have to refresh my memory, Jake.

GT: I- Hal, you- from behind, while Dirk- I cant just say it! Please. I cant.

You pick up genuine distress from his tone. So you drop it.

HAL: And I’ve found the files. Yes, I remember now, thank you for that refresher. I fucked you from behind while Dirk fucked your mouth. You seemed to really enjoy that. It seemed nearly to overwhelm you, but not enough for you to tap out.

His eyes go a little unfocused, probably palpably remembering it. You can see the muscles in his arm tensing to keep himself from speeding up. So restrained.

GT: Yes. That. Was quite. Something.

TT: It was definitely that. So, you were thinking about that? Last night?

GT: Yes. Is that sufficient for you to tell me… what you would do?

TT: I suppose. There’s a lot that I could do. I think you’d enjoy most if I got down on my knees and started sucking you off.

He gasps, wet and excited, and speeds up.

GT: Please, Dirk…

TT: I can see you leaking. I’d start with that, clean that up. It’s so swollen, but I’d take my time. Make sure you were nice and clean before taking you down.

You hear arousal in Dirk’s voice, but it doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything yet.

HAL: A direct approach, down to business. I like that. I’d go at it a bit differently. Put you on your hands and knees and spread you open. It’s been a while since you’ve been fucked, hasn’t it?

GT: God, hal…

His voice sounds weak and he bucks his hips involuntarily.

HAL: I can’t imagine you’ve had much time or comfort sufficient to indulge that lately, have you?

GT: No. Not since i left the two of you.

HAL: Good. I’d have to take it very slowly, then. Lick you open before I fingered you. I’d take my time. I know you can take it, Jake, but I’d make you wait.

GT: Fuck.

TT: Can I suck his dick while you do? We’ve been going at each other so much, I think he’s earned a treat.

HAL: I suppose. Yes, we’ll have to do that at some point when you get back, Jake. Maybe the day of your arrival. Would you like that? To ride both of our faces until you finish?

He gasps.

GT: Yes, please.

HAL: It would only be fair. All this time and you’ve stayed celibate, waiting for us, while Dirk and I have fucked each other until our sweet asses bruise. Dirk makes such a sweet noise as he comes, I love wringing it out of him over and over.

His hand speeds up on his cock.

HAL: Do you like hearing about how I fuck him when you’re not here, Jake? Or would you prefer to hear about how we’ll fuck you together?

GT: Nngh, I- I don’t know. Both.

TT: We can do both. We can absolutely do both. I can’t wait until you get back. Hal doesn’t really like having his dick sucked, and I’ve missed doing it for you. I wouldn’t mind if you just grabbed me by the hair and shoved your dick in my mouth and fucked me-

Jake is speeding up. Any minute now, he’ll ask for…

GT: Please, I cant anymore, please let me-

HAL: Not until tomorrow.

His face twists in pain and he makes an almost animal groan. But he lets go of his cock. His palm is slick with fluids before he tenses it into a fist. He squints and breathes deeply.

TT: Wow, harsh.

Dirk’s voice sounds breathless. Odds of him touching himself are 100%.`

HAL: He’ll be more fun tomorrow this way. Just think about how fat the load he’ll blow will be.

TT: We’ll be cleaning it off the ceiling for weeks.

HAL: Indeed. That is, if we don’t drown in it first.

GT: Will you two bastards shut up!

TT: We’re doing you a favor, Jake.

HAL: We are. We’re kindly talking about something bizarre and unarousing instead of alluding to how we’re going to get each other off the second you hang up.

He actually whimpers.

GT: Gods. Youre so cruel, the both of you.

TT: No objections here. Hal?

HAL: None. But we’ll make it up to you tomorrow.

GT: Please…

TT: Oh, absolutely, Jake. We’ll take very good care of you. We’ll make it worth it.

GT: I dont want to wait. I cant.

TT: You can. And you will. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have something to attend to.

\-- TimaeusTestified and HAL ceased pestering golgothasTerror\--

Jake’s soft cry on the other side of the line is the last thing you hear before you close out the chat client. Then a message from Dirk pops up.

\-- TimaeusTestified started pestering HAL \--

TT: I was mostly saying that to fuck with him, but are you down?

HAL: Absolutely. My wiry loins are positively aflame with desire.

TT: Good. Keep them a-blazing, they’re about to get even hotter.

\-- TimaeusTestified ceased pestering HAL-–

}


End file.
